What is Verbal De-escalation and How Does it Benefit Me?

Verbal de-escalation is a mode of communication used on/with people who are showing signs of hostility. In simple terms, de-escalation is a practiced “language” to reduce the intensity of the event in a nonviolent manner and to re-direct a potentially antagonistic situation. 

I think it is safe to say that 100% of WON’s readers have been in some sort of argument with a loved one. I can also safely assume that many of you wished it would have never happened or that you thought the outcome could have been better … if only, perhaps, you had handled it with a little more respect and tact. I know I have. We all battle our responses to conflict due to power struggles, egos/pride, feelings of disrespect, and stressful factors that impact our decision every single day. 

You can use a few of the tips listed below to help de-escalate a situation with a family member or someone you may know, but in this article, I will highlight de-escalation techniques with a stranger.

The benefit of learning basic principles for handling situations to alleviate someone’s distress has no bounds. To be able to listen to someone, and calmly deal with conflict, increases our level of safety. It is important to know that there is a difference between trying to defuse aggression that is already in motion and defusing before someone becomes aggressive. Knowing the warning signs and understanding body language that is showing potential of violence is very valuable. 

I am not a law enforcement officer, but I was able to study and gain a depth of knowledge because there are so many police training programs out there that promote all sorts of verbal techniques to use instead of force. 

Let’s look at some de-escalation steps that have an excellent history of working well: 

1. Before we go any further, YOUR safety is always first. If they are too close for comfort or your instincts are YELLING NO, listen to them! Could the angry person be carrying a weapon? Can the environment provide them one quickly? Are you being threatened? You need to have a plan if things do not go your way. 
2. Where are you standing and how close are they? DO NOT get close to the person and do not block exits. You want to give them “space” and a “way out” to retreat. 
3. Have a plan to run. Personally take notice of where the closest exits are. Please consider standing with one foot forward and knees slightly bent, just in case you need to be explosive and run. This posture also helps you to be “prepped” to quickly make a non-lethal, less-than-lethal or lethal decision. 
4. Your body language speaks louder than words. Try to keep a relaxed facial expression, arms uncrossed and hands open. 
5. You MUST ACTIVLY listen. Sometimes just listening and nodding with affirmation can make a person’s “wants and feelings” feel validated. This ALONE may be enough to dilute irritability.  
6. Your intuition/instincts can keep you safe. Basically, it’s a snap judgment, or a quick-and-ready insight. Intuition is a gut reaction that only has your best interest at heart and comes from the Latin word tueri, which means “look at, guard, protect, watch over. LISTEN TO IT!
7. Speak in low-key tones and stay calm. 

• Using the right tone is as important as choosing the right words.
• Try to connect, find out what the person’s first name is, and try to use that first name as often as you can.
• Speak in short sentences, be repetitive (as needed) and stay in control of your actions. 
• Try repeating their comments back to them, be empathetic and ask non-challenging questions. 
• One of the keys to de-escalation is to never say “I’ or use any concept of the word “no.” 
• Stay positive and offer them choices to move past the situation and promote them as the hero of their story. Nobody ever really wants to be the villain, especially in their own story. 

Now let’s get to the most frequently ask question, “Does it really work?” The answer is YES!  Dolan Consulting Group states, “The impact of verbal de-escalation training has been evaluated in law enforcement, hospital, educational, business and psychiatric settings. Despite the fact that these evaluations have included training courses of different lengths and different types of curricula, the findings are consistent. Verbal de-escalation training provides individuals with knowledge, tools and tactics that give them greater confidence and control in situations involving interpersonal conflict. While de-escalation training does not eliminate all conflict and violence, by applying the knowledge, tools and tactics they learned, individuals can defuse more conflict situations that might otherwise have led to violence. The existing evidence is growing and consistently reveals the same conclusions.

“Armed with this knowledge, it would seem that any people-intensive industry or profession would be well-served to prioritize routine training in verbal de-escalation skills”. 

I personally think this knowledge is beneficial for the general public as early as teens through our mature population and can be used in most environments like work, public places, schools, etc.

You can practice this everyday with normal events or you can “stage” them with friends. You see, de-escalation techniques are learned skills that needs to be practiced. Have you ever trained in a scenario based setting? All you need is a few loved ones, designate who will be the criminal actor and practice these techniques in a fun, challenging, and controlled setting.